The Staton Jones Report

The Medium Lobster explains how gay marriage will bring about the end of civilization:

Sadly, Western civilization - and all civilized culture - is doomed. Marriage is the social force that binds individuals together into the basic building blocks of civilization, families, which higher beings recognize as "Familions." However, the pervasively corrosive force known to metaphysicians in crosstemporal planes as Gay has now been allowed to intermix with Marriage, allowing Individutrons of any gender combination to form Familions, creating unstable, or "nega-matter" Familions. These Familions emit waves of radiation that cause stable, or "Straight" Familions to decay at the sub-Familion level. Eventually all Familions throughout Civilization will break up and decay into their base components, meaning that they will never be able to form Neighborhooditrons, Citinos, or Governmenticons, leaving the western world in chaos and anarchy.

We are left, then, with the memory of what once was: the splendid, shining ediface of the West, torn to pieces by the unnatural desire for civil equality. As we stand amidst its crumbling piles of dust and mortar, the Medium Lobster would like to leave a fond farewell:

Western Civilization: Born 3500 B.C. in early Mesopotamian city-states, Western Civilization developed numerous complex systems of political governance, conquered most of the inhabited world, and invented the hot air balloon, the nuclear bomb, and the ice cream cone. Died May 17, 2004, of a gay agenda in a Massachusetts court house. It is survived by isolated anarchist survivalist camps and nomadic bands of flesh-eating zombies.