As shocking as it is true, G.I. Joe, American War Hero is a fraud. He never served in all the various actions he has claimed, and most of his celebrated enemies are also fabrications, according to "G.I. Joe Veterans for Truth".
In interviews yesterday arranged by G.I. Joe Veterans for Truth, a nonprofit arm of a little-known think tank called Serpentine Enterprises, the veterans -- low-level G.I. Joe foot soldiers, all code-named "grunts" -- were unanimous in describing Joe as an incompetent leader unfit for command and not worthy of honor. Rogers, a blue laser gunner 1st class, described the ordeal he was put through during the celebrated incident in which the entire male leadership of the Joe team was hypnotized by the Baroness and her Conch of the Sirens."Our entire platoon was ordered to attack Cobra base just to free all these addlepated G.I. Joes," Robertson said. "We risked our lives to save the Joes -- not the other way around." During the pitched battle, Robertson disarmed and captured three Cobra soldiers by shooting a nearby tree with his blue laser gun, causing the tree to fall on the enemy, trapping them. "I was dodging red lasers left and right," Robertson added. "G.I. Joe said he'll fight for freedom wherever there's trouble. That was a lie."
...
In a press conference today, the public faces of G.I. Joe -- Hawk, Lady Jaye, Flint and Sgt. Slaughter -- assembled outside G.I. Joe headquarters. They were flanked by much of the Joe team, including the mysterious ninja Storm Shadow, silent and brooding, and the Native American tracker Spirit, feeding mice to his eagle Freedom in a dignified manner. (Joe himself resides in seclusion; the few glimpses the public has been offered suggest he is a giant of a man, up to four times as tall as the rest of his soldiers.)
Flint stepped back as Sgt. Slaughter took the microphone, shouting that two of the veterans in the TV ad bought by G.I. Joe Veterans for Truth were obviously Crimson Commander twins Tomax and Xamot in disguise. Lady Jaye came to the microphone and gently dismissed Slaughter's accusation. "We are, however, worried that the ads might be secretly funded by Cobra," Jaye added. "You reporters should remember that politically motivated advertisements aren't always what they seem. Often, back in the shadows, the people pulling the strings might not be interested in telling the truth."
This came to me from a Rabbi friend in San Francisco:
During Bible study in the Oval Office on Thursday we turned to Mark 5:12-13, where my favorite philosopher, that Jesus guy, tells us that, when it comes to things that get rid of demons, pigs are like little demon sponges. We are taught by the Lord that when looking for something to cast in front of swine, expensive jewelry like pearls are not a good choice, but demons are just the ticket.- President George W. Bush
President Bush is backing funding of a Demon Shield to protect America from Hell's Angels. Literally.
The remaining Social Security funds will be used to build a multi-billion dollar National Demon Defense Shield that will protect Americans from the threat of foreign-launched incoming evil spirits. Mr. Bush's decision to back the controversial project came in response to the heartfelt Christian concern expressed by General Dynamics' Government Contracting division and feasibility studies by creation scientists at Reverend Falwell's Liberty University. "While many secular scientists scoff at the idea of intercepting Satan's demons," said Pat Robertson in response to the President's decision, "the technology is employed in the Bible, so it must work. And aren't these the same so-called 'scientists' who laughed at our $40-billion program to build mid-priced condominiums in whales?"
Honestly, I can't tell if this is satire, parody, or another policy paper from the Wolfowitz/Perle think tank. But I wouldn't be surprised it they were serious about it ...
This graphic makes my day:
It's amazing how it corresponds to "Blue" states.
This was originally flagged on Atrios' blog, but it's more than good enough (and short) to echo here. What really happened in the Cheney-Leahy showdown.
The Onion has a story about the nearing completion of the Reagan Pyramid.
According to project overseer and Reagan Attorney General Edwin Meese, the 118,000-ton pyramid, which is visible from a distance of more than 40 miles and has already cost the lives of some 50,000 slaves, will serve not only as Reagan's conduit to the Empire of the Gods, but also as an earthly repository of the deified Republican's vast wealth.
"Buried with Reagan will be his finest treasures," Meese said, "including 2,500 MX intercontinental ballistic missiles, 15 stealth bombers, a golden chalice of jelly beans, and his most prized servant, former president George Bush Sr."
Bush told reporters, "It is my honor and duty to have my sinus passages ceremonially packed with sand before my still-living, pain-racked body is forever locked with my leader's within the Great Reagan's final resting place. Let us all praise Osiris."
Sometimes those Onion guys strike pure gold.
Apparently, Dick "Crashcart" Cheney has been tossed from the ticket and replaced with the undead Ronald Reagan. Follow the link for what has to be the most tasteless (and funny) reaction to the GOP wrapping GWB in Reagan's burial cloth. Remember, they did it first!
Several months ago, it was made public that the title of the August 6th, 2001 PDB was Bin Laden Determined to Attack in U.S.. This was a significant disclosure, because our President's primary activity between August 6th and September 11th was to be on vacation. In short, it was already abundantly clear that the actions of Bush and his staff during that time didn't show and evidence that they had what you might call — for lack of a better term — "a clue."
I came across an article in Slate published last April, in which columnist Dan Radosh suggests that the problem lies in the confusing manner in which the information in the PDB was presented:
Is the notorious Aug. 6, 2001, "President's Daily Brief" a smoking gun or merely historical information? Who can tell with all those complicated paragraphs and complete sentences?
The obvious solution? Give Dubya the PDB's as a Powerpoint Presentation. (I'm sure that Edward Tufte would be appalled — he hasn't been particularly impressed by previous uses of Powerpoint by the Bush team.)
See, we finally figured out how to lower alien abductions. Another win for the Bush Administration!
The Medium Lobster explains how gay marriage will bring about the end of civilization:
Sadly, Western civilization - and all civilized culture - is doomed. Marriage is the social force that binds individuals together into the basic building blocks of civilization, families, which higher beings recognize as "Familions." However, the pervasively corrosive force known to metaphysicians in crosstemporal planes as Gay has now been allowed to intermix with Marriage, allowing Individutrons of any gender combination to form Familions, creating unstable, or "nega-matter" Familions. These Familions emit waves of radiation that cause stable, or "Straight" Familions to decay at the sub-Familion level. Eventually all Familions throughout Civilization will break up and decay into their base components, meaning that they will never be able to form Neighborhooditrons, Citinos, or Governmenticons, leaving the western world in chaos and anarchy.We are left, then, with the memory of what once was: the splendid, shining ediface of the West, torn to pieces by the unnatural desire for civil equality. As we stand amidst its crumbling piles of dust and mortar, the Medium Lobster would like to leave a fond farewell:
Western Civilization: Born 3500 B.C. in early Mesopotamian city-states, Western Civilization developed numerous complex systems of political governance, conquered most of the inhabited world, and invented the hot air balloon, the nuclear bomb, and the ice cream cone. Died May 17, 2004, of a gay agenda in a Massachusetts court house. It is survived by isolated anarchist survivalist camps and nomadic bands of flesh-eating zombies.
If — like all good and true Americans — you've been enjoying the latest docudrama running on CNN and Faux News, "Iraq War 2: This Time It's Personal," then you've probably been wondering how the hell they're going to end this season. Also, why did they get a new guy to play President George Bush when the guy in the first season did OK? Anyway, for those who have been watching "Joe Lying About Something to Women" or whatever, here's a summary of this season:
This time we've learned a lot more about what a bad man Saddam Hussein is. Under Saddam's rule, the Shia in the south were repressed and denied basic freedoms, such as freedom of the press. Worse still, thousands of innocents were slaughtered in bloody reprisals against "insurgents" in campaigns lead by brutal military leaders such as Major-General Jassim Mohammed Saleh. Also, political detainees were routinely tortured and abused in places like the Abu Ghraib prison.
In a plot twist I totally predicted, all these things (including the General Saleh character) are back in place under American rule. OK, guys, we get it! You don't have to beat us into a stupor with the irony! Gee whiz! Right, so now that they've set up this pickle, how are they going to resolve it by for the announced late-June season finale?
I think I know.
Who's already in the cast who is an expert at running Iraq as a brutal dictatorship? Well, duh! Saddam Hussein!
It's sooooooooo obvious. So, viewers, look for the return of Saddam Hussein — and the obvious premise for Season III — in June. Either that, or Jeff Goldblum will defeat the insurgents by uploading a virus from an iBook.
No news, just thought Skates' post needed a graphic.
This is pretty good:
There has been no end of late to the nakedly partisan criticism of the Bush Administration's plan to hand over civilian control of Iraq on June 30, and as usual, these critics merely do the work of the terrorists. George Bush has a plan, and that plan is to turn political control of Iraq over to an unspecified group or groups on June 30th. And as long as America stays the course and hands over control of the occupation according to this arbitrary deadline, the battle of civilization over chaotic evil will end in victory...
Iraq is part of a grander war: a battle between Civilization and the forces of Barbarian Evil. In this framework, it becomes clear to all enlightened beings that victory will arrive on June 30 regardless of who receives control of Iraq.What does a deadline indicate? A deadline indicates the individual's recognition of his subservience to a schedule, to a societal and temporal structure larger than himself. It is the very foundation of Civilization. Turning over one regime to another on schedule indicates that regime is now functioning within the proper norms of civilized society, indeed, that its origins stem from it. In this context, it doesn't matter whether the United States turns civilian authority over to the United Nations or the Interim Governing Council or the most extreme of Khomeini-ite theocrats.
Indeed, it would actually work to America's advantage to turn over authority to terrorists come June 30, for then those same criminal savages would be necessarily converted to the cause of Western society, and be bound by the same crystalline structures of order and reason that bind America to stay the course. As the United States carries the great torch of Western enlightenment, let it pass to Iraq on time and on schedule - or America is no better than the savages who would put out that bright light altogether.
From MSNBC:
Police found Skilling at 4 a.m. at the corner of Park Avenue and East 73rd Street and determined he might be an “emotionally disturbed person,” said the source, speaking to the AP on condition of anonymity.
Jeffrey, since you are such a fine example of a whole class of arrogant klepto-pricks that most of us have had to work for every day for the past umpteen years, I have three words for you: HEADS ON STICKS!!!
This week's Tom the Dancing Bug is awesome. You'll need a Salon.com subscription to read it. Buy one. Otherwise, read it next week on the Tom The Dancing Bug web site.
Given President Bush's actions to provide rights to human fetuses as "people", I guess it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to assume that tax cut-happy Bush would have no problem changing the tax status for these little in-utero citizens. So, a woman who becomes pregnant in the second half of the calendar year should be able to claim a dependent deduction for her little cell-glob of joy in that tax year, no?
Personally, I don't think they are going far enough. Hell, every little sperm cell has the potential to develop into a new Republican under the right circumstances, right? Now, there's a nice deduction, eh?
From the Kerry campaign: Bush Tries to Outsource Deficit
Now how much will you pay? But wait, there's more!
From E-Commerce Times: Memo: Bill Gates To Sabotage Linux Using "Time-Travel" Machine
The latest "smoking gun" memo from Microsoft!
From ThinkGeek: PC EZ-Bake Oven
An EZ Bake oven that fits in a 5¼" PC drive bay!
From CNN: Bush to sign Unborn Victims of Violence Act
Wait... that's not a joke. Uh oh.
Add your favorites in the comments. What fun we have here on the Internet!
In a scoop worthy of Matt Drudge, the SJR has uncovered efforts to move the popular Simpsons television series to India, in order to lower production costs. A preview of the newly-revamped series is available (Flash player required).
Write your congressional representatives or something.
